I haven’t really blogged for a while. Like seriously blog about what’s going on in my life. I forgot that I have a lot of little adventures and misadventures to share because I thought I was simply too busy to sit down and upload photographs or formulate words.

But not blogging has taken its toll on me. It makes me too idle and too much of an emotional neurotic because I had no where to vent emotions to. Having secret blogs back then, did help out in my past relationships because I could simply rant and rant my way out of a bad day instead of poring over the details in a stretched-out conversation when I could have simply let things go.


So hence, I revive my old therapy - blogging.


Where do I start?

Forgive and forget. Easier said than done, I must admit. But working things out must begin somewhere and I think it has to start with forgiveness. Let’s save the forgetting part for later.


Forgive.

Myself, first and foremost. I have often placed the blame on myself for being the control freak, perfectionist, that I was, that I simply tired my partner out of my wants of this, that, and everything else. I made mountains out of molehills and it just became a source of arguments and never-ending bickering. My bad, really. But yeah, I have to forgive myself for being that kind of person and for putting a strain on the relationship.

Forgive.

The other party, second of all. Well, it does take two to tango, and while I have my faults, he very well has quite a handful himself. I won’t delve into this because his faults are his faults, and advertising them on my blog wouldn’t be fair ‘cause it would make him look, well bad. He did hurt me through that two week ordeal. Words have been exchanged, but if it is to work out, I must forgive him for what he did, for the pain he caused, and for his part on putting a strain on the relationship.


Now it’s time to…

Forget.


The neurotic me. I have to keep my emotions in check and stop over thinking things. I have to simply learn to let go of little things and enjoy the little moments of being with the person I love. Forget about the past, and the future. Just simply live the present and have fun.

Forget.

His mistakes. This is difficult because every now and then there’s still that tinge of pain, that sense of fear that it will happen again. But yeah, forgetting his mistakes may mean not bringing it up anymore. Just burying it six feet underground.


Forget.

The bad part of our past. Yes. Enough said.














Three days in. It’s still rocky. But it’ll be better in time.

I had to reactivate it because I need Facebook for my schooling.

It used to be just Yahoogroups, you know. I mean, for school. Now, it’s all Facebook. Gah.

So I decided to permanently delete my Facebook account. I’ve actually debated over myself if I should delete it. After all, I am a class representative and I need Facebook to update my classmates about school. But then again, I thought of it and realized that there are far more important things than just being a class representative.

Let me digress.

For the past few months, I haven’t been totally myself. Honestly, I lost my sense of identity for being in a relationship that’s so you-and-me all the time. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing entirely, but it has made me into somebody I am not. You know, when you get to spend almost all of your time with only one person -both mentally and physically - it does make you lose your sense of self.

I haven’t had this kind of relationship before. I’ve always had long distance, hidden relationships because of my parents. And so, with my exes, I only get to spend time with them when there’s a chance. Plus, I’m studying in Manila, while they’re back home, so it’s always just virtual.

Needless to say, I guess I’m not used to this kind of relationship. And I guess I wasn’t exactly ready. I didn’t know what to expect, after all.

But here I am. I’m struggling to grow up. Failing miserably. Drowned myself in too much love for one person, and I failed to love myself really. God, I failed to love so many other things. Like life, and family, and friends, and even photography.

Oh yes. You can say it. I became obsessed, crazy even. And it has come to the point that even the person I love gets all guillotine choked up. Yeah, guillotine choke. It’s that bad. What’s worst, I’ve been insensitive to other people around me, especially those that matter the most because I was too self-absorbed in what I was feeling. I became paranoid. Insecure. Jealous. Everything I claimed not to be before I came into the relationship.

I really don’t know why I ended up this way. Plus add in the school stress factor. God, I became a monster. And I’m hating what I’ve become.

I became too vulnerable. So I cried for a day. And I would cry for one more if my eyes didn’t hurt.

So I ended Facebook. Because of that. Because I tend to hurt myself with my spying and prying because I’ve become this mistrustful person. I ended it to make myself better. So that I can learn to live life more fully and to control myself from being too obsessed. It’s good that I’ve come to realize it early on than to reach the point of no return and well lose my sanity.

I wouldn’t want that.

So there. Good bye Facebook. I know I have so many memories there, so many contacts, so many long lost and found friends. But this is something I have to do on my own so that I can be stronger. So that I can grow up. So I can discipline myself.

I pray to God I’ll have the strength to be a better person. For my family. Friends. And all the people I love.

And above all, I pray to find peace. Peace of mind and spirit. And be happy. Be happy without really trying.

Are a lot of things in my heart.

And I’ve debated with myself if I should write about them.

But then again, I realized, sometimes, it is best to suffer in silence than to speak up and be misunderstood and make a whole lot of mess.

So there.

Today, we had our corporate Lenten Recollection at the office for our employees. I’ve often heard the adage “let go and let God” in other retreats, or I’ve read it in some books or magazines and even as Facebook statuses. This morning, that message didn’t really hit me at all. And the whole recollection experience was shallow to me.

Until tonight.

God works wonders. I never realized how much of what was said sank in me, given the situation I am currently dealing.

Let go and let God, became pregnant with meaning.

After our traditional Visita Iglesia, I really wanted to cry. Because for the first time ever, I felt so helpless and lost. And yes, for the first time ever, I said it before God - it’s all my fault; no one is to blame.

I’ve grown tired of the blame game. Telling myself that it’s because mom’s like this or my boyfriend’s like that or my brother’s this and that. Eventually, I admitted to God and myself that yes, it is my fault.

For trying so hard. I didn’t know that was such a bad thing. I loved too much. I talked too much. I listened less. I prayed less. I justified a lot. I discerned less.

In all the chaos and madness I am experiencing, I have myself to blame for the mess. I made them. I have to clean after them.

These words aren’t even enough to express what I truly feel at the moment. It’s turmoil. I just want to cry. Cry to God. Cry out everything to Him because I know He understands my pain;  I know He will comfort me because He doesn’t like to see me hurt; I know He will guide me to make right all the wrongs; I know He will forgive me for my selfishness and pride; I know He will love me, just because.

I thank Him so infrequently.

But yeah, God. Just thanks. :)

For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. For as long as we both shall live.

Ah, love. Ah weddings. :)

It’s cheesy and mushy. And it’s everything I want.

Today, I went to church twice. The second visit, more meaningful than the first. And I liked what happened today. Kneeling inside the Perpetual Adoration chapel, alone with the person you love. And you hold hands, pray, and extend a promise to God.

On this day, I made a vow. And I’m going to keep it.

Lord, thank you. Just thank you for everything, especially this. :)

I started my on the job training at Mandarin Oriental, Manila on the 31st of January this year. I had high expectations. After all, Mandarin Oriental (or MO) is a five-star hotel from which Chef Norbert Gandler, the owner of the culinary school I am studying at, became the Executive Chef years back. Let me digress a bit about Chef Gandler, or Gandler as he is referred to by my colleagues at MO. He isn’t just the normal executive chef that stands around and gives orders. He is the hands-on type of E.C. that is known among culinarians as the one who made a name for MO’s Paseo Uno restaurant. I daresay, he is considered to be one of the best chefs in the Philippines, that is why even today, he is remembered dearly, and looked up to by MO’s employees. End of digression.

Back to day one of my MO life. I started my first eight hours extremely exhausted. I had woken up at 4 a.m. to catch the LRT and MRT on their not-so-peak hours. That included walking hyper-fast to transfer trains and to lessen my risk for getting held-up. And that included walking along a dark, jagged, narrow road from the Buendia station to Mandarin Hotel, which I must say was a bad idea. So, I got to MO, very tired. Nonetheless, I was ready to face the challenge set before me. I’m going to be working in a real kitchen!

And there I was… getting the challenge of my culinary life. First day jitters. I got disoriented. I was too unfamiliar with the place, I didn’t know where to go, which way to turn, and the like. On more than one occasion, I opened the door that led to the swimming pool instead of the kitchen! And I almost brought a toothbrush to the kitchen because I forgot that I had to go to the locker room. :)

Then of course, aside from my directionless-ness, I was faced with the task of carrying heavy stocks from the butchery and storage room to the Paseo Uno kitchen - this involves going down two steep-ish flights of stairs from the Ground floor Paseo Uno kitchen to the basement, where you can take the elevator to the second floor where the butchery is, wherein, once you get your meat requirements for the day, you have to go down the elevator again to the basement, walk through a long hall back to those two flights of stairs and into the Paseo Uno kitchen to deliver the stocks; then you go down again to the basement, go on the elevator to the ground floor, where the dry storage rooms and commissary are, then you get all those crates loaded with grocery items and vegetables and fruits for the entire Paseo Uno kitchen, then you have to use a trolley to transport them all back to the basement, through the long hall wherein at the end, a dumb weighter is located, on which you can put some of your stocks in so that it will transport those stocks to the Paseo Uno kitchen… but that since there is a weight limit, you have to manually carry heavy crates up those two flights of stairs.

Hmmm, body battery was halved. I had muscle pains. And so it began - my weight loss! Haha. I loss weight, to be honest because of the everyday in and outs of carrying heavy stuff, running and what-have-you.

Today, sixteen days worth of duty - I am getting the hang of it. Oh God help me.

Over the course of the Christmas month, I have had the opportunity to experience quite a roller coaster of emotions. Unexpected bickering. Occasional highs. Tears. Laughter. Joys. Pains. Fears and anxieties. Excitement and hopefulness.

In a word, my December is blessed. And it may not have been what was usual or expected. But it sure made me realize that life will always at God’s pleasure. Birth, death, and everything in between. He has written a plan for each and everyone of us. We only need to trust in Him - be steadfast in our faith - that He will lead us to where we are supposed to be.

I have fears. I have worries. Because I do not know the future. And yet, I know God will see me through. And He will help me grow. He will provide me with what I need to survive. And He will lend me friends, people, and loved ones to guide me.

Trust. Faith. God. Never fails. Every single time.

Happy Christmas.

I can’t believe I haven’t updated this blog. I promised I would write about school and life as much as possible, but I haven’t given it time because I end up being more than the usual “tired” from putting in extra hours in school.

Guess what, I’m a Student Assistant! And it’s not the easiest jobs of all. Sometimes, I think it’s an honor and a good learning experience. Sometimes, it just makes me re-think my priorities and why I am even in culinary school (especially when you’re stuck with a demanding or pissed off FA).

But all’s well because I am gaining from it. I get to review, get tips from chefs and FAs about the culinary world, and ultimately it made me get used to the whole environment. Yes, it does get boring too. Imagine, seeing the same people six days a week, doing manual labor, standing for more than 10 hours a day, and going home feeling all burned out just to sleep and wake up the next day to do it all over again. HA! But I am in this to win it.

I have a greaaaaaaat support system. I have family, friends, and loved ones. I have God.

Tomorrow is another school day. I’m not always excited to go to school. But I look forward to finishing the fourteen months, with or without flying colors, ‘cause honestly, I stepped in it with nothing to lose and everything to gain. And HONESTLY, I know at this point, I already have more than I really bargained for - and they are the special people I got to meet.

Juggling dead coconuts. The carefree life. Not waking up early for school, sleeping as late as I can. And sleeping in as long as I want. I don’t have that anymore… But it feels good to be productive.